How to talk to your child following a mass shooting

I write this with a heavy heart the day after the Nashville school shooting, where a person killed three children and three adults with a firearm. Unfortunately, this is a story that we as a country have heard again and again. We have seen the “breaking news” chyron with a story about a school shooting so many times, it is hard to keep track. As a psychologist, a parent, a daughter of a teacher, and a human, I am scared, angry, and completely heartbroken.

During these scary moments, it can be difficult to care for yourself while also making sure you are caring for your little ones. The American Psychological Association (APA) published guidelines in 2019 for how to help your children manage distress following a shooting:

-       Make sure to talk with your child. Initiate the conversation, while keeping their age and developmental level in mind. Listen to what your child has to say and validate their feelings. Try your best to reinforce ideas of safety and security. Review their school safety protocol.

-       Keep your home a safe place for your child. They will need this when the outside world feels scary.

-       Monitor for signs of stress, fear, or anxiety. It is normal for a child to feel these things following a traumatic event. If you see the symptoms persist after 4-6 weeks, talk with a mental health professional.

-       Limit the amount of news your child is watching. This will depend on age. Although it is important for children to feel informed, there is a limit where the intake of violent information can lead to anxiety or stress.

-       Check in often with your child, both emotionally and physically.

Some other thoughts to keep in mind when thinking about gun violence and safety with children:

-       Remember that while mass shootings receive the most attention, many children die by firearms from accidents, suicides, and other homicides.

-       If you have a gun, always keep it locked in a safe, out of reach of children. Store the gun unloaded. Store the ammunition separately. This is especially important for any teenagers experiencing depression, as it increases opportunity and means for suicidal gestures.

-       Check in with your child’s friend’s parents about their gun safety habits at their home if your child is going over for a play date. Many deaths by firearms are accidental.

While it is important and necessary to care for your child during stressful moments, it is also important to care for yourself. Know how much to limit your news and social media intake. It is important to feel informed, however, the fear or anxiety can also be debilitating if it gets to the point of being overwhelming. Monitor yourself for signs of anxiety and depressed mood, such as fast heart rate, sweating, feeling unmotivated or paralyzed, or ruminative thinking. If this occurs, step back from the news influx and do something that makes you feel safe or distracted.

Keep your regular schedule and routine to help with structure, security, and normalcy. Try to maintain regular meals and sleep. Give yourself rest breaks throughout the day – 5 minutes of deep breathing or quietly sitting to decrease your spiral of thoughts or stress. Engage in activities that bring you comfort or joy.

While rest and quiet time is something to be valued, it is my opinion that part of us should remain angry. It can be self-protective to numb ourselves to the continued, repeated pain, and yet we should try to resist the numbness as best we can. Numbness leads to complacency, and I do not believe we should be complacent or accept that this is the reality for our children.

Firearms are the leading cause of death in children and adolescents (CDC, 2021). The reality is that, until there are stricter gun laws, these mass shootings will continue to occur. Our country stands out in this statistic compared to other wealthy, industrialized countries. Our country experiences 5.6 deaths per 100,000 children ages 1-19. Other comparable countries experience, on average, 0.3 deaths per 100,000 children ages 1-19 (Kaiser Family Foundation, 2022). In states where elected officials have taken action to pass gun safety laws, fewer people die by gun violence (Everytown Research & Policy, 2023). These gun laws include passing background checks, secure gun storage requirements, and rejecting permit-less carry laws. However, on a small minority of states have comprehensive gun safety laws.

So, what can we, as regular citizens and not lawmakers, do to help move the needle on gun safety laws?

1.     Donate to gun safety advocates, like Everytown. Your money goes toward registering voters, electing candidates who will govern with gun safety in mind, and demanding action from current elected officials.

2.     Contact your local senators or congresspeople. Leave a voicemail advocating for stricter gun control laws.

3.     Educate yourself about the issues and details of gun control laws, how they vary by state, and the impact of the gun lobby. Research how your lawmakers have voted when it comes to firearm safety.

4.     Engage in conversations with loved ones about gun safety to promote further exposure and awareness.

5.     Vote for candidates that value sensible gun laws.

I understand the tendency to allow these moments to pass by for our own self-preservation. I also understand the sentiment that “nothing will change.” It can feel frustrating to call your lawmaker for the 20th time, advocating for the same thing. However, what is the alternative? To stop advocating? Our children need us. I will keep fighting if you will.

Sources: Kaiser Family Foundation (KFF) analysis of CDC Wonder and institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation (IHME) Global Burden of Disease data, 2022; Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2021; Everytown Research and Policy, 2023