Is Self-Care Impossible as a Parent?
“How can I find time to self-care when I barely find time to do anything?”
This is a great question. Self-care as a parent often feels impossible. Even the term “self-care” can spark a lot of reactions from people – both positive and negative.
The term “self-care” can feel ambiguous. We know it is important, but what does it really look like? How do we find time to do it when we are busy caring for other people?
As a parent and human, you likely wear many hats - caregiver, partner, employee, friend, daughter, sibling, uncle, etc. With all these roles comes the weight of the mental load, meaning all the physical and mental work that is required to keep your home, family, and life running. One study described it as the responsibility of “anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress” (Daminger, 2019).
To make sure that your family and home are running smoothly, likely your own needs and priorities become last on the priority list. And while that is understandable, it doesn’t have to be normal.
This is because when parents, especially moms, do not take care of themselves, there can be many negative side effects, such as increased irritability, stress, fatigue, disturbed sleep, and decreased quality of life (APA, 2023; Law et al., 2019; Rodriguez et al., 2017). When these difficulties are significant, they can lead to increased substance use, mental health diagnoses, or poor health outcomes for children.
So you get it – self-care is important. But I hear you asking the questions: “But what really is self-care? And how do I fit it in to my schedule when I literally have no time?”
If we’re being technical, according to the New Oxford American Dictionary, the definition of self-care is “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” The NIH (2003) defines it as “taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve your own physical and mental health.”
That all sounds good in theory – but let’s break it down even more.
I think of self-care as rest and restoration.
First, rest – how can I relax, refresh, recover, by stopping my activity?
In our hustle culture, rest is not something that is prioritized. However, rest is vital not only for our physical health, but for our cognitive health as well. When we allow our brains to rest, it allows our brain to retrieve memories, increase creativity and sharpness, and become more self-aware. It also allows us a way to “recharge our batteries,” which allows us more ability to cope with tomorrow’s challenges.
Second, restoration – how can I return to myself, to feel renewed?
What is it that makes you feel like you? As a parent, it is easy to let go of your own hobbies, interests, or social connections. However, these things make up who you are. Many new parents say, “I just don’t feel like myself anymore.” While your world may always look different now that you have children, you can still access the parts of you that allow you to feel “normal,” or like you again (Beaty et al., 2014; Sestieri et al., 2011).
Rest may look like:
- Sleep
- Reading
- Watching a movie
- Meditating/mindfulness
- Hot bath or shower
- Journaling
- Slowing down
- Prayer
- Getting up before your kids
Restoration may look like:
- Eating good foods (and indulging too!)
- Cooking
- Seeing friends
- Exercise
- Engaging in favorite hobbies
- Date night
- Treating yourself
- Setting boundaries
- Seeking help when needed
So now we have the what of self-care – rest and restoration. What about the when?
Self-care should be both preventative (how do I make sure my cup is full?) and reactive (what do I do when my cup has been emptied?”).
Think of preventative self-care as practices, activities, or hobbies that you give yourself on a day-to-day basis. What activities fill your cup or help to charge your batteries? The more our emotional batteries are charged, the more we can positively cope and manage stressful days.
Think of reactive self-care as things you do when you feel overwhelmed by stress or burnout. When you’ve had a long, hard day or when you feel that you are burnt out, how do you give yourself rest or restoration? Preventative self-care helps to charge batteries, reactive self-care helps to recharge your batteries. This can look like asking for help or delegating tasks, leaving the laundry until tomorrow, or stepping away from a tantrum for a moment to breathe.
If you’re struggling to find where to start, here is my suggestion: start with your body.
1. Physical health - When our body is not at our best, our mind or ability to cope isn’t either. Are you treating any physical illnesses you might have? Are you making sure to refill any prescriptions? Is there anything about your health that you’ve been ignoring?
2. Eating - As parents, eating full meals is hard to come by. However, providing fuel for your body to get you through the day is important. Are you eating consistent meals? How can you rearrange your time to make sure you are eating foods that make you feel good?
3. Balance with mood altering substances - Excessive use of substances (think caffeine, alcohol, marijuana) can make it harder to manage negative emotions. Consider reducing use if you observe a pattern of increased anxiety or depressed mood.
4. Sleep - The importance of sleep cannot be understated. Although you may only have limited control based on your kids’ sleep habits, prioritize the amount of sleep that works for you.
5. Movement - Moving your body increases endorphins. If you don’t exercise regularly, start small. Go for a walk with your kids. Dance in the kitchen. Stretch before bed.
Finding ways to implement self-care can, of course, be more complicated. If you’re struggling, schedule a consultation call with me. I’ll be happy to join you on your self-care journey.
